Right Decisions

This is such a mundane and un-profound question, but why, WHY do the right decisions have to hurt so bad? Why do we (I) have to be idiots and do the things we never should have done? Why do we not just use our good common sense?

I'm sad tonight friends. I'm sitting on my couch in my pajamas with my box of kleenex and computer at 7 on a Friday night. I'm just thankful to be home alone so I can cry until my heart's content or drained, whichever comes first. I'm sorry to be cryptic. I don't feel comfortable putting all the details out there, but I was involved with someone I shouldn't have been and now it's over.

I've lost someone that was never really mine to lose. Someone that wasn't mine to have, no matter how temporary or how small I did have him. He made the right decision today and it hurts. I don't blame him for it because we both know it's the RIGHT decision. It's just hard to walk away. He still wants to be friends. He still wants us to be a part of each other's lives. That thought brings some relief in that I haven't lost him completely. He's not a jerk that's going to ignore my calls and never speak to me again. But then again, maybe that would be kinder in the long run. There is NO future with us, whatsoever. I knew it when we got involved, but I did it anyway.

It hurts knowing he has a whole other life that I will never be a part of. In our two months together I've often just wished things were different. I didn't know what to wish for exactly, just for different where we had a chance for a future. I know you think two months? That's nothing. What is she upset about? There's no explaining it. We have a connection that was unexpected and despite the pain now, I don't regret anything. I still think he's a good man.

In an odd way I almost welcome the pain. Sometimes I worry about just feeling nothing, about not finding someone to even stir my heart. So I'm thankful whenever someone does. I welcome the joy and the pain that comes with any relationship. It's life and I'd so much rather feel the bad with the good, than to feel nothing. So tonight I will divulge myself with tears, remembering the good times, missing what might have been, and then tomorrow will be a new day.