Put a Little Laughter In It

I haven't had the best few days. 
Between some problems at home, nothing progressing at work, and feeling discouraged about the peace corps I've been feeling a little disconnected. 
Disconnected from family, friends, LIFE and just being down in general.  Not a good feeling. 

A lot of things are kind of dependent on peace corps and well peace corps is just a big question mark right now.  After reading some other blogs I've discovered that they are making some major cuts with the peace corps.  Hence, programs are being cut.  There are more applicants than ever and less positions available than ever.  Again, not a good feeling. 

Funny how last week I was riding such a high from medical clearance and now I'm at a low having still not heard from placement.  I'm ok with some waiting, but it's the fact that I may not get to go at all that worries me.  One applicant was told it could be 6 months to a year before her departure date because now her program has either been cut or filled.  So now I'm left floundering at the thought of not leaving this year.  I just need to know something.  I need to be able to wrap my head around either leaving in August/September or not leaving this year or not leaving at all. 

If it's going to be a year or not at all I need to make arrangements to move out of my parent's house.  And well that just brings up a whole other set of issues. 

What can I afford?  What will it be like living alone? 

That's really the big question/worry.  Living alone.

Oh it will definitely have its perks, but I worry about being stretched thin monetarily.  I want to be sure I'm still able to save some money, especially if I will be leaving for peace corps at some point.  

But really it just makes me sad to think about living alone purely because it means I don't have someone to live with.  I don't have a significant other or a friend I'd be living with. 
There's no excitement and making plans.
It's just kind of lonely. 
Makes me look at my life and realize to some degree I am ALONE. 
Everyone else has their life and their person..and I don't have a person.  

This week has just been full of realizations and questions for me.

One of them being whether I want children or not. 
Sometimes kids just get to me and have a way of wrapping themselves around your heart. 
Other times there's just a big disconnect.  There's that word again.

It's funny because I used to say I wanted 4 kids because I wanted a bigger family.  But being 26 with no husband in sight that seems like a far fetched reality.  Not to mention I realized I'm not a big family kind of girl.  I don't think.  It sounds nice to some degree, but I have a hard time imagining myself the mother of four and the sacrifices that would go with it. 
I think I would be doing better with one or two when the time comes.     

I worry when I'm around people that have kids, especially little ones, that they're judging me when they see me interact with them. 
In that "What is this girl doing?  She has no clue about children." kind of way.
Nope I don't.  I'm 26 years old and don't know what it's like to be a mother or a wife.  I don't know the joys or the stress that can come with being either one of those.   

I'm still allowed to be selfish.  And I am.  Yep, I admit it I'm selfish. 
But that's one of the perks of being 26, single, and childless. 

I can spend my money on manicures and pedicures, shopping trips, movies, dinners at restaurants, etc.  I can make plans to go to surf camps or backpack through Europe simply because I can. 

It's interesting to me how several events that happen around the same time can really affect one's thoughts on a certain subject.  I just finished reading a book (Firefly Lane) and it's about two girls that are friends and how into adulthood one ultimately chooses her career and fame while the other chooses love and family.  This combined with a visit to my friend and her newborn baby have made me wonder where I fit in those categories. 

I know it's 2011 and women don't really have to choose between the two.  We can have both now.  But at the end of the day I can't help but think one has to mean more than the other. 
Is it truly possible to be successful, as successful as you want to be, at both? 
It's hard I'm sure and takes a special kind of person to be able to achieve it. 

As I've said before, I want it all. 
And I guess time will tell if I'm special enough, ambitious enough to have it all and make it work.

I realize this post sounds heavy and serious, but that's the place I've been in the last few days. 

However, the message from Joel Osteen this morning encourages me to lighten up, laugh a little.
Laughter truly is the best medicine and can be life changing.

So readers, enjoy your week, and put a little laughter in it.