Three Days In

How can it only be the third day of 2012 and I already feel confused about the days and year ahead? How can I question some of the things that I was proud of from 2011?

I'm just feeling discouraged, antsy, frustrated. It's a little early for that isn't it?

Part of it is related to school. It's just such an expense and I don't know how long I'm even going to be able to go. It came down from senior management at my work that while they don't want to discourage anyone from going to school, this isn't really the job for it because of our hours. They also worry that it could lead to issues in that they can't show favoritism to one employee by letting them have a day or time off for a class because what if another employee needs the same time off for a class?

I completely understand all of this, but it is a disappointment. I still plan on going this semester and I think I'm still going to try for the study abroad program. At least that way I'll have enough credit hours for a complete semester. That still seems like a waste of money though. I'm just not sure and I'm not sure about the study abroad program any longer either. While I still think it'll be a great opportunity, I have to use the only two weeks of vacation I'm allowed to do the program, if my work will even approve it. The program isn't even a vacation really because I'll have to do school work before and after.

So what do I do? Do I just need to be more motivated?

You are all probably tired of hearing me talk about the nothingness that is my love life, but I am so frustrated with it all. There's a guy I like, that currently lives in New York but he's originally from Philadelphia. I met him while working at Disney. We've kept in touch over the 4 years and I've seen him twice. We were involved while we were at Disney and I've always wanted more out of our relationship. He knows this and we've talked a little about the future, but I feel like he doesn't really commit to anything. This might sound crazy, but if he said he wanted me to move to Philly to be closer to him I would seriously consider it. I'm looking for a change, a big one. Maybe that puts too much pressure on him and that's why he doesn't put it out there, or maybe he's just not that interested. How much can I really expect out of him when we're so far apart?

I worry about how much I'd be able to trust him anyway. I don't think I've ever seen him committed to just ONE person without some kind of involvement with someone else. He says me and him would have a different relationship, but really?? How could I trust that or believe in that? So why would I be willing to turn my life upside down for someone like that? Is it sad that I'm just wanting a man to come in and change my life? To rescue me?

And on top of all the man woes, I have a little bit of baby fever. Babies are just EVERYWHERE. Seriously. We are having a baby boom all our own here in TN and I can't help but want one to some extent or just be curious. As my friend said, my clock isn't ticking, but I'm aware I have that proverbial clock.

I just need a change. A big change this year. I need a move, out of state, out of the country, at the very least out of my parent's house.

I know we're only 3 days in, but how's your 2012 going? Are you feeling optimistic and hopeful for the year ahead?


P.S. My blog anniversary is in 3 days!!! :)