Last post I wrote that maybe the current guy I was dating, could turn into a relationship.
I take it back. I take it all back. I don't think things are working out.
We've been dating for a little over a month now and I think at a certain point you start to expect a little more. After you're intimate with a person, you expect a certain amount of communication, attention, assurance...just something. And let me tell you I haven't gotten it this week at all.
I'm really trying to reason with myself. I don't want to be a needy, clingy girl, but I don't think I'm asking for too much. I'm not an idiot. I know when things have changed with us.
And it just feels so damn typical. Sorry to the guys out there, but it feels very typical of you. You want a woman until you've got her, and then once you've got her you don't seem to care much. I know that's a HUGE exaggeration and I'm lumping a lot of guys into that, but that's what I'm feeling right now and well this is my blog, so there. But seriously?? We sleep together and then all of a sudden you're just so busy you can't pick up a phone for two seconds? Now don't get me wrong, he hasn't been out of touch completely, but more than usual for sure. Enough so that I can notice a difference.
You know I realize people are busy, I'm busy too. I work at least 8 hours a day. I don't want to sit around feeling like I'm waiting on a damn text from you or some communication. I don't need you to text me all day, but I need something. I need more than what I was given and he knows that. We've had another discussion about this. I can't help but think we've had to have too many discussions for this early into dating someone. I mean this is supposed to be the fun, honeymoon stage, can't keep our hands off each other part of the relationship and well it's not. Instead I'm feeling like I've been ignored this week and what we had a week ago even is no more. Things just feel weird now. I feel like we've taken a huge step back and I don't know where we go from here.
Last week 5 days was too long to go without seeing me. This week 7 days is completely fine, not even a mention of trying to get together. One week he's talking about buying a toothbrush for me to keep at his house. One week he's talking about a weekend trip to St. Louis in September. This week he's so busy he can barely hold a conversation with me.
I really don't think this guy was just trying to sleep with me, but what happened? Is he really that busy? I can't get on board with that. If he really wanted to talk to me or see me, he would. He's working on writing something for a potential new job, so I do know it's important and I'm truly trying to be understanding. But I still think if he was THAT interested, he would make time for me.
I think I got the impression from him at the beginning that it could potentially be a relationship. That he's interested in long term dating and with that in mind you get certain expectations. And now it feels like he's flipped the switch. Now I need to erase all those expectations and start over. I'm not sure how that's going to work. If it was meant to be casual dating from the start, I wouldn't be so irritated by the lack of communication. But I thought he wanted more. My mistake.
What does everyone think? Am I over reacting? Am I more upset by this lack of communication than I should be? Were my expectations too high and did they come too early into this dating? Or is it completely valid for me to be upset? I gave the guy a mulligan (the words from another blogger) and totally let the ex girlfriend go, but I feel like he's screwing things up again. Things shouldn't be this difficult this early into dating someone.
Maybe I should just throw in the towel and accept that either a) he's just not that into me or
b) we've come across each other at the wrong time and it's just not meant to be
First let me say that I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this. My current boyfriend and I recently had this issue of too many problems too soon, so I understand how frustrating and disappointing it is. (I even said that EXACT same thing to him--"this is supposed to be the honeymoon stage!")
ReplyDeleteI think at this point you have it right in that it IS too soon in the dating--but that doesn't mean problems shouldn't exist. It just means that you have only just scratched the surface of learning about each other and at only a month in, problems or not, there is way more to discover here about who you both are and what you want. I know you said his communication and unavailability are issues right now, but my advice would be to physically get together and talk it all out. My man and I have had several conversations about our issues and what our expectations are, et cetera. The thing that has been the best asset to us is that we promised to always be honest, even if it's hurtful. So every once in a while, one of says, "today I have that feeling where I just want to be single, and I'm not sure what to do with it, but I know I care about you." And we talk about it. And we take the pressure off. And we've only gotten closer and more grounded in our knowledge of each other and how we grow together. It's been really helpful for me. I obviously cannot guarantee the same outcome for you, but I hope that you guys can at least just be honest and talk about how you feel and what you want. Yes, you are entitled to be frustrated. But take a breath, and let go of the pressure, on him and on yourself, and focus on building that friendship into the groundwork of your romance--if that's what you guys decide to do.
We're rootin' for ya, and don't give up hope if you aren't right for each other. Every relationship teaches you something about how to make the next one better. Hope this helps.
One thing to remember is that guys express their feeling and communicate differently than most girls. Guys I knew in college would talk to their parents maybe once every 2 weeks and usually because their moms called. With their friends, they might plan to meet up by a phone call, but they don't usually like to have significant conversations via email, text, or phone. This is by no means a rule, but just something I have observed
ReplyDeleteThat being said, if he has significantly changed his conversation patterns, you should talk to him. It could be something really simple, like he has had a really stressful work week. Or maybe now that a month has gone by, he thinks you've already moved past the talking every day stage and doesn't realize you want to see him more. Or maybe you're right and you guys just aren't as compatible as you thought initially.
EIther way, I think you should talk to him. boys don't always get the little "signs" we try to drop. All you can do is be up front with him and hope he does the same :)
On a different note, any Peace Corps updates?
Man, alive. That stinks. I have no dating wisdom for you, but I hope it gets better soon.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear things aren't going so well with him. If I were you, I'd try to talk to him about it. Tell him directly that you feel like you aren't spending enough time together and give him a chance to tell you if he really is just too busy at work. But if he can't tell you that he wants to spend time with you or doesn't want to talk about it, then maybe it is time to move on.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I had a lot of arguements early on in our relationship but are really happy together now, so I wouldn't say that it's too early to be having problems. It's how he handles it that is a real test of the relationship.
Dating is so hard!! I truthfully don't miss this part of it at all. It's frustrating. And I've been there so many times it's not even funny. All I can say is, that when it's "real", you'll know it. And as you said, It could just be timing. You can read my "M & M, the Backstory" to see that. I would just let him make the next move. Sounds like you've already talked about it. Just try to keep busy with other things. Go out with your friends and keep your options open. And, I know it's hard, but whatever is meant to be, will be.
ReplyDeleteI wish you luck. I don't have any good advice. But things should get better. Keep working on it you will find the right guy in time.
ReplyDeleteNew follower from sit and relax weekend hop.
Hope you follow back.
Communication is key. After a month he should be texting and calling you, not ignoring you for days at a time. Perhaps he is busy, but but it take 2 seconds to text. I think you should tell him how it is, that he is not communicating with you very well and your getting mixed signals. Stand up for yourself and tell him that its not fair to you and your not asking for too much. Then, let him know that he can either fix the situation or if not you don't plan on waiting around, because you deserve the absolute best!
ReplyDeleteAs a man, my advice to you? Tell him exactly how you feel. It could be that he got what he wanted and now he is slowly distancing himself, or there could be something else going on here. He's a guy, right? Yeah...we're kind of idiots. There are some of us who mean well but are mentally handicapped when it comes to matters of the heart. Sometimes we need a push in the right direction.
ReplyDeleteBut only give him one chance at redemption. If this pattern of behavior continues then bail. You deserve much better.
~SP